Closing Experience

Death was inevitable after taking four rounds from Kalashnikov directly on my chest. I never came to know who fired them and why, all I knew in this moment of agony was that I was never going to be heard again.

When I started for my work I had some idea of the tension prevailing in the city but had absolutely no clue that a riot has broken out just across the block. I guess I was the first victim of the shoot at sight orders given by the police.

I had tried my level best to scream my pains out into some sensible ears, but guess the wise ones were astute enough to ignore it and the perpetrators had no obligation. After lying here for few hours and losing all my strength I came to terms with the reality that awaited me since my birth. There was no use of blaming anyone now, nor was cursing the ones who never appeared for help worth anything. Criticizing my own luck was also not a clever idea.

In this motionless state as light was diminishing with every passing moment I realized that these moments are going to provide me the final set of experience which I can ever have.

So what are my priorities if I am certain of a slow death in a couple of hours?

My body cannot contribute much now, it has served me well and I had stuffed it with all kinds of wanted and unwanted matter. It was with me for all my adventures and full filled my appetite for all sorts of journeys.

Lying there on the footpath in a pool of my own blood I thanked my body for being there for me. When I tried to open my mouth I understood that there is no more sound left to come out.

My voice which was my last resort has also fared well with me. Whether I wanted to express love for the first time or anger for the last time it has always been there. I do not remember my first words but can never fully thank the last ones which came out of my mouth today.

I gasped for air which was filled with smell of shattered bodies.

My breath which is fast running out was also a loyal companion; it never rested for even a minute. Whether it was the smell of spring or the aroma of delicious food from the kitchen, it has always told me what to expect. Today in this mess it is very much with me and perhaps going to be the last thing which will go with me.

I looked at the sky to see if there is any light remaining to fill me with any kind of hope, after all what we see is what we believe.

My vision has everything to do with my existence; a lot of my time was spent on making me look better for external appreciations. If I attempt to calculate the number of hours I have spent on it then I can extract a whole lifetime for myself.

My memories are perhaps the only measurable asset I have, I am thankful to the relations who helped me build them. Shall I run through my life one again?

I was saying good bye to whatever I had seen known and heard in this lifetime. Childhood the most amazing feeling to be alive, I never realized when it got over in the mist of adolescence. My uncertainty mixed with my desires generated some overwhelming experiences of the adult world were sometimes too much to digest. I still remember when that carefree world turned into a sack of responsibilities which never got over.

I was glad that in these moments when I was sensing the world for the very last time I had a smile on my face, because even though this span has ended abruptly without warning a sense of regret was missing.

A Dive in the darkness within

Accusing the calamity and denying the possibility
It happens when achievement is of second priority

Opposing a solution and disowning the obligation

When you can’t win just don’t blame the situation

Celebrating the celibacy and flattering the generosity
It happens when you condemn your own authenticity

Creating the demon while taming the coward
When you see yourself just don’t blame the mirror

Compressing the truth and expanding the grasp
It happens when winning an argument is the only task

Unaccompanied in a multitude and rejoicing with a plight
When you can’t find yourself, just don’t blame the light

Life as you Live it

He pack he carry and exaggerate without sorry
when asked what’s life, says it’s a Journey as you cruise it

He laughs he cries and reacts without a surprise
when asked what’s living, says its happiness as you please it

He hides he seeks and disappears if you see
when asked what’s success, says its character as you sleaze it

He rises he falls and acts without fault
when asked what’s memory, says it’s Relation as you close it

He creates he destroys and maintains without scale
when asked what’s illusion, says it’s Friendship as you phase it

He gathers he patrons and expresses without desires
when asked what your aim, says it’s Life when I seize it

Tell me something about yourself

"…and I am not interested in your name or place you belong to. Neither do I intend to hear about your job or occupation and please don’t tell me you are son/daughter of so & so and the designation they hold. Also please refrain from telling your hobbies or interests. You can begin now"

I was rather perplexed by the question; it was by all measures the most ridiculous problem I ever encountered. But I have to answer as I cannot escape the interviewer, we meet every day.

“I am myself” I replied

“Can you define more” he said definitely not amused by my answer.

One can respond to this question if there is slightest of idea in the mind about what the questioner intends to know. I was however determined not to ignore him

“I am nothing but a result of the habits I have cultivated over the years”

“Are you trying to trick me with your answer” he said piercing right into my soul. He has given a lot of detail of ‘what not’ and hardly touched anything around ‘what all’

“No, I am telling you something true about myself”

“Go on”

“See the physical state I am in is certainly influenced by the surrounding I live in and food I take. My face carry a smile when I am with my loved ones having a good time and turns sour when my desires and reality does not match”

He did not react; guess he wanted to hear more. I continued

“My intellect is a result of the learnings I undertook, consciously and unconsciously. It does the calculations for my living and measurements for my survival. It also helps me in tackling tricky situations like this”

“Ahem ahem” he made a sound. May be I should just stick to the answer and keep my comments aside. I started again

“I have another level of existence which I am still figuring out”

“Tell me more about it” he showed interest

“I really do not know how to explain this but there is something which makes me seek”

“Seek what”

“Well a lot of things but particularly about the truth” I replied

“Truth!” he grimed “quite amazing, so did you get anywhere near to it”

“The more I seek the further it gets away. You see this physical being has a lot of answers for its miseries like food for hunger and love for loneliness. And intellect also has logics which sometimes pushes me away from pursuits like ‘Why am I here’. But this spiritual sense does not accept ignorance as a state of mind.”

There was silence, the voice which pushed me into this puzzle was not there anymore

“Hello” my voice resonated, 

Who was he? I was unable to recall his face or appearance. I realized that all this time I was talking to a voice.

This voice is with me when I get up, it is there when go to my work place. It is profound when I am alone and hushes itself only to an audible level when socializing.

It is our Spiritual being which is most likely to stay content and satisfied no matter how hungry we are.

Years ago

At a hasty stage I was packing another luggage
the stuff was spread and I had just my courage
This time the tide was carrying me to a new shore
Will it be my final one? I was never too sure

In the sea of unrecalled souvenirs
I found something I had lost in years

This object must have a history
else why was it here in my repository
It didn't ring a bell but the grasp was too familiar

Was it mine or a stranger’s longing, this wasn't clear

A tiny touch and a tremor ran through my vertigo
It reminded me of something I dreamed years ago

The task was half-done but my mind was in abstraction
It went into a time when each object was hard earned

Favors to seek, promises to make and a debts to move

Will I be successful? I was yet to prove

In the struggle I had kept my memories in a cargo
All was packed which I liked years ago

Then like the Sisyphus I ran towards an unending trail
All was achieved but nothing real was retained
Absoluteness grasped me absolutely

I went ahead and left myself completely

Here I was between now and far to go
I just had a glimpse of Someone I used to be years ago

The Detached

We often meet characters who challenge our perspective towards life, they are the ones who are drifted from our vision of the world. A work dedicated to those who helped me build...

In an avalanche of emotions
response count can go into millions

Not always we receive an open invitation

But seldom we reject a generous solicitation

All was offered which could be found, 
but he was the one who didn’t turn around

Beyond the limits of the abilities unexplored 
best place to live is far from the serenity of the shore
Not always we encounter a blissful day
But seldom we realize that happiness isn't here to stay

When the moment of abundance dispensed his roof 
he was the one who didn’t move

Gratitude is given in all forms
but a thankless job is the one often around

Not always we turn our gaze from a sweet smile

But seldom we analyse the mystery behind

Taken away was all that had a ‘mine’ tag 
but he was the one who didn’t complain

What am I thinking anyway

Never before and absent in all forecasts
The present is often omitted in a canvas
A regret of past and worry of tomorrow
A time puffed out in an attempt to swallow

Celebration ends and justification instigate
In a half aimed shot a life goes to waste

Always ahead and unmissed from the chase
Lime light is often proven extortionate
A web could get lost in its own maze
Or a charm fall in an attempt to elevate

Arrogant and just to shine, we put an unwanted disguise
If it’s unreal then that mask will break

Can we run and hide at one go
Introspection never gets that low
Light is pursued and darkness averted
Life never guarantees a bouquet of florets

In a race to be admired one becomes a victim of desire
like a concert pass which is once our only target

and then washed away in the pocket

Growing Up

Diapers were still around and vocabulary had a distinct sound
anything new was miraculous, that timid period was so fabulous
Being a toddler in the bearer’s lap, dependency and the giant gap
May be that was when I first wondered, am I gonna grow up like others?

Surrounded by matching minds, my pen drew similar lines
anything new was now a lesson, that liberated period was still in congestion
Being a preteen under surveying eyes, my mind searched where opportunity lies
Hesitant but still strong, the mystery towed along how am I gonna grow up now?

Uncertainty grew at a rapid rate, every year was a big intake

anything old or new was a confusion, that period was so inconceivable

Being a teen behind an introspective veil, there was no one but self to explain

Stronger than ever the spirit called out loud when am I gonna grow out of this?

Days came and years surrendered, the thoughts grew out of proportion

anything around had the same sound, but still had the influence to bound
When I turned adult? I still couldn’t point, it went unnoticed like the heartbeat
By the time I realized the question had a never ending hum why did I grew up after all?

50th Post: A word with her

She knocked my door while I was quite
When I longed for her, she never arrived
Oh she is a deceiver of her own kind
Opportunity never gives a foul cry

I asked the possibilities not to shout
But they are stubborn and never hushed the sound
Oh she is a traveler of her mind
Chooses the companions of a desperate kind

When I am lost she seems someone to rely on
But with a mood like her it’s rare to respond
Oh she doesn’t always grows on a fertile ground
Creativity often arrives without a sound

I never realized she was there
In all my doubts and all my fears
Oh she was the one who kept me alive
Hope exist that’s why I survive